Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this // SCARLET

I absolutely love this red striped sweater with such deep cheek contours and her lips...Although I've been wearing red coats recently I haven't actually worn a red top in a long time...hah....even on Chinese New Year I think I wore Aqua?! haha. Ok, I think I'm going to have to start deeply contouring my cheeks using deep pinks from now on....seriously... :|



So here I am repeatedly listening to Love the Way You Lie. I am so undecided on this whole ong distance relationship with J nowadays. He used to make me so happy and even though now he still does it's different from the way it was before. I suppose I can't expect it to be perfect. It bothers me because I felt we used to mutually make the sacrficice. Maybe it was my fault. I told him not to come a month after I saw him because I thought it was too soon and I could wait longer. I remember I regretted it so much when I had trouble with school. Maybe he unconsciously took that as a sign of rejection. Maybe I message too much asking where he is and what time he's coming home, even though I know he's not doing anything wrong. Maybe thats my unconcious distrust. And now even if i acknowledge somethings are my fault it's too late. And then there is him...and I don't even know where to begin because it doesn't seem "that" bad but then it really is because I think he's not listening. Maybe I am over analysing it. I just don't know how to fix it. How does anyone fix any problems? I think we have a communication issue. But he has never really being the type to talk. I guess he made all the big changes first. He came to me first. He stopped smoking because I told him it was bad which was hard for him coming from a culture where it is perfectly normal. He would buy me everything I really liked. He would always spend time with me just here because it's what I wanted. Of course I know he would have to have a social life outside of me. And he would. Maybe it's the person he chooses to be with - male but somehow I deem to be quite dodgy. But then I have no right to say I think your friend is a bad influence because really he's not. Yeah, I can feel threatened by a male. I know sometimes I'm selfish, maybe alittle too self absorbed. But J made mistakes too. And that's another freaking communication issue right there. Am I supposed to say when something is bothering me when I feel it's so damn obvious. And then right there is why i get angry because I think he's not taking the time to notice and then I have to ask. And what's wrong with asking? Nothing. Except for when it becomes a bother because it seems like a nag.

I have a friend who called a girl "the one that got away." I guess he'll always wonder. I didn't want to wonder about this boy I met who seemed so well, lovely really. I guess whatever happens I won't be wondering. Well, maybe I'll wonder if things would of been different if he or I were actually there for one another.

And right there, I can see another issue. He will be getting busier and he won't have time. And there. With already not meeting for months out time will grow smaller and smaller and how will I take it? Ummm...badly. How do i expect him to handle it? I don't really know. I guess we'll have to see. See, I don't actually know. Maybe I am expecting the worst when I don't need to.

Anyway, this is turning out to be a pretty emo post. I should really stop because this could really be pushing my over thinking. There are prob many mistakes throughout this, but I really don't feel like going back to re read this.

haha ok. That's it.

ciao bella.